Self-love – merciless (beautiful)
Self-love – what a vague word for so much complexity. It took me many years to slowly realise what self-love could actually mean. And I assume that the meaning of this word will be redefined until my last day. Not so long ago, my own self-love wasn’t really existing. I would say my efforts were always there, over the years. But the true dimension and especially the access to it only became clear to me in the last four to six years.
When I was younger, the concepts of self-love, self-confidence, self-awareness were empty shells that I didn’t know how to fill. It was something you were supposed to have, but I didn’t know what this ominous self-love was supposed to feel like in my body, emotions or mind. I was too busy trying to be someone else. Too busy wanting to be in a different body, to talk differently, to be smarter, better at my job, faster at achieving goals, more creative and innovative than others. To stand out in order to increase my self-esteem. Which of course–spoiler alert–didn’t work. All these dissatisfactions manifested themselves in frustration, a feeling of paralysis and failure, of being »in the wrong place«, in bitterness, sarcasm and irony in my language and beliefs that kept me trapped in this spiral. To compensate for all this, I numbed myself with food, or with food deprivation, social media, binge-watching and rapid consumption of all kinds. Of course, I also tried to change my situation and perspective with therapies. For years and years.
I was so disconnected to myself–I simply wanted to cut off parts of my body because I didn’t feel beautiful enough.
Until I attended my first tantra seminar in 2019. After many years of therapy for depressions, eating and body-image disorders, I suddenly felt a moment of freedom–albeit briefly. From my own destructive thoughts towards myself. Up until that point, I had hardly been able to sit on the beach with friends without at least covering my belly. I thought I was awful, my body not athletic enough, my belly too fat, my skin too dimply, my nose too big and crooked–I felt like a misshapen klutz who would step into any fat trap within a 5 kilometre radius. I couldn’t look at myself or touch myself without feeling devalued. I wanted to simply cut off parts of my body. Not a minute’s peace from these thoughts.
So before this tantric seminar, a huge amount of suffering had built up, which drove me there despite my massive shame and insecurity. I wasn’t able to resolve my body issues with talking therapies alone. So I took part in this seminar in the hope of finally finding some solutions. And indeed, after day 1, I was suddenly standing naked in a room with 30 people, throwing blocks of clay on the floor. Completely smeared, screaming with rage–and for the first time I didn’t worry about how I looked. Which parts were moving unfavourably or what I had to cover up where.
A lot has happened since then, almost exactly four years ago. My life has turned 180 degrees and I could never have imagined showing myself to the world the way I do today. I never thought I would have so many people around me who love me and find me just as beautiful as I am. Even though the path to self-love involves sacrifices, I have had to let go of a lot. I had to accept that it wasn’t the right thing for me. At least not at this time on my path. Many decisions have been difficult for me and will probably continue to be difficult for me in the future. And the process of acceptance is and will probably remain the most challenging one for me. Because the body I have chosen for this life very often simply needs things that my head doesn’t want to recognise. Being patient and curious with a warm heart about what the next task will be is a adventurous exercise. But the potential that comes with it is exactly what I understand self-love to mean: being at peace with and proud of myself, no matter what I have achieved or not achieved. Because I do my best in every situation–as we probably all do.
What I have learnt so far?
I am not a therapeut. And I do not want to be one. But on my own path I could experience on my own body, mind and my whole system, what I need to change in my life to finally create what I supposed and want to live. I tried different methods to develop a more healthy perspective towards myself, a lot of different bodywork-practices and emotional release tools. I went to meditation retreats, therapies and started to show myself in an authentic way. How should someone truly love ME, if I hide who I am? How should I love myself, if I constantly try so be someone else. So I decided to become visible, I decided to love and take the risk to be vulnerable. And yes, it is scary as shit.
I have learnt to give my body a voice, to acknowledge her wisdom and her ability to serve me in this life I am experiencing on this planet–even with all the limitations and all the pain, she comes along with. That’s where my competence lies: In sharing, what helped ME from the base of experience–not just a theory in a bunch of books.
And this I am happy to share with people that are open to receive. In this I am happy to continue to learn, with every person I meet or every occasion that is in front of me.
I would be happy to accompany you on your own beautiful discovery:
Individual Single Session
Together we will talk about your status quo, what is blocking you, what you want to let go of, what you want to invite, which methods can help you to (re)enter into your creative power out of just reacting into creating.
The talk is possible via Videoconference or in presence.
60 min/80 €
Talk & Impuls-Session
Individual Single Session
After an impulse conversation, I will make you a creative proposal tailored to your needs on how you can go into action and integrate what you want to live on a physical level. In order to support you going into the flow and with this into your creativity.
150–180 min/280 €
Look forward to a safe space among like-minded people! For three days we will reflect, let go, invite and dance with the things that are present, that want to go or to come.
15.–17. November 2024. In presence in Liége, Belgium.
Early bird until 1. July 2024:
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