My little monkey called “self-doubt”
Yesterday I had another moment when I was in complete doubt. Whether I am „enough“ or not too much in my relationship with my partner. Whether I won’t be left at some point because I’m too boring, too exhausting, can’t give enough or demand too much. Time and time again, I find myself unable to simply tell my truth WITHOUT immediately falling into self-doubt and constructing a story in my head. Fortunately, these episodes are now less intense and dramatic than they were a few years ago and/or I can regulate myself more quickly. Nevertheless, they still have an impact on me and my relationships.
When I look into the question of where this tendency to doubt myself so much comes from, I have a clear answer: my teenage years. For more than a year, going to school every day was an ordeal for me. Children don’t really need reasons to find a “victim” for bullying. The wrong coloured T-shirt on a Monday morning can be enough. In my case, however, the narrative of my bullying phase concerned very specific power issues: Money, status and sexuality. Because I didn’t wear branded clothes, I was labelled as “poor”, and if I wore a new T-shirt I was told: “Oh, did she prostitute herself again to be able to afford a new shirt?”… The mobbing started with girls that I and my childhood friends had got to know when we changed schools. What probably hit me the hardest was that my childhood friends didn’t take my side. They kept quiet and started to avoid me. Probably to avoid being in the firing line themselves. My life changed from one day to the next, there were no recognisable signs before then, at least not for me.
That was, believe it or not, 30 years ago. And yet I realise how it is precisely this wound that keeps coming back. How this wound and this experience ensures that my inner “self-doubt monkey”, as I affectionately call it, keeps dancing around me. Because what shook me to the core during this episode was that I couldn’t trust my feelings. I thought I had an equal place in this group. Being rejected for “reasons” that were not even my “fault” shocked me. After all these years and all the work I’ve already done on myself, the question keeps coming up: “Am I assessing the situation correctly? Or am I missing something?” … “What do I have to offer that I can sit back and relax and be sure of the love of my partner, my family, my friends…?”
My inner protector is constantly on the lookout for danger. “Am I enough? Or am I too much? If I tell my truth, do I have to be prepared to be abandoned, to loose the ones I love?”.
“How much closeness can I allow so that I don’t come out of a relationship devastated? How much of myself can I show without making myself too vulnerable? How much “value” do I have so that people want to stay in contact with me? And if there was no one else around me: how much value do I actually have on my own, for myself?
Whether in my private or professional life, I had the tendency to make myself smaller, not to stand out, to disappear into the crowd, to be invisible. Whether in my behaviour, my appearance or when it came to selling my work. There are hardly any pictures of my teenage years. I hid myself, avoided the picture frame or made faces. Today I am sad about it, back then I needed this “protection”. It’s somehow logical that you can neither live the life you want to live nor to be getting ahead financially. If you are not seen, you will not be attacked. But if you don’t show your true self, it’s not easy for others to love you for who you are. It can be quite a lonely life. But what does all this have to do with my current self?
Today I recognise this self-doubt monkey in all its conceivable facets: Constantly doubting whether I’m qualified enough at work, the paralysing “addiction” to perfectionism, doubting and constantly justifying my prices for my work: “Is anyone even interested in what I can give to the world?”, the difficulties in learning a new language, the fear of losing my relationships, the connections I have and again and again: can I trust my feelings about my place in my relationships, in the world? Who would I actually be without everyone else?
To this day, it has been an incredible feat of strength and a multifaceted process for me to emerge from the destructiveness of this loop. The person I am today would have been unthinkable for my younger self:
Today I dare to show myself, in pictures, videos, with my topics, passions, worries, in my openness of heart. I dare to raise my voice, to take up space, to demand value for my achievements, for my life energy. I dare to share my vision, my heart’s desire for a love community. And: in doing so, I make myself vulnerable! To all doubters, perfectionists, dissatisfied people, envious people… people who feel challenged by my visibility and what I show for whatever reason. Perhaps because they have suffered these injuries themselves, perhaps because they don’t take their own place, perhaps because they feel helpless and don’t know how to deal with their own situation.
For a long time, I had made myself comfortable in the role of victim. It took me a long time to realise that it wasn’t the others who were the bad guys, it wasn’t the whole world against me, it was just that I wasn’t connected to myself, that I wasn’t enough for myself. What harm could those girls from my teenage years have done if I had been at peace with myself? It’s clear that we shouldn’t stay in unhealthy relationships. And I could have simply declined the “gift” of bullying with thanks. Instead, I decided to accept it–for life.
So now I have my little monkey called “self-doubt” with me every day. And every day I take care of it a little, nurture it and calm it down or thank it when it points out unhealthy contacts. We are a team. On the one hand, I wonder what life would be like without it. On the other hand, it has taught me so much about myself. I certainly wouldn’t have so much to share, so much empathy with others and so much love to give if I hadn’t made the acquaintance of my little monkey called “self-doubt”.
And our journey continues, sometimes more connected, sometimes less… but always a little more at peace with each other.
I would be happy to accompany you on your own beautiful discovery:
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