And all of this feels very violent for me. Not because I would fight with my ex-partner. But more because of this whole official procedure. The communication between lawyers, court and us. This formal language and communication is so full of violence, that it is hard to not feel effected by it in my emotional and relationship status.

They speak about „Streitwert“ (Amount in dispute), about „AntragsGEGNER“ (to be opponent to each other), about deadlines and penalties … Neither are we in fight with each other, nor are we opponents or we want something bad to the other one. We are just two people, who have to deal with the fact, that life sometimes leads us in different directions. A language and communication full of violence and (literally) separation is not really helping to deal with the pain, which is already connected to a process like this. 

A few weeks ago, I had my first encounter with the relationship arnachy-idea. And it brought again my attention to the fact how much the relationship-boxes we use in our society are bringing more separation for me, than a value. All these expectations and ideas how romantic or platonic relationships have to look like, and especially how NOT, are closing doors for all the beauty that might be able to grow IN BETWEEN. Why not putting the focus on the qualities I can share with someone and to define a relationship by this, than to have a checkbox of how a relationship has NOT to be and with this being disappointed by it. How much do I take from my own quality of life, because I cut people out of my life with whom I can not fully share 100 % of my interests and expectations… what a claim towards each of us, if we still continue in thinking in those boxes! It is the claim to be perfect for someone else. How can we not fail in this, if we want at the same time to stay connected to ourselves? 

In our society we use to say, that a „marriage has failed“ when we divorce. This saying I met a few times the last 3 years. For my ears that feels really violent. Because it is questioning the quality of what I/we have lived in our time together. It is degrading a relationship that lasted for 15(!) years with ups and downs, with all the work and growth we managed to do. I would not like to exchange these experiences. They were important for me and I cherish them with gratitude and an astonished smile on my face. For me, my marriage has not failed. More am I amazed by how me and my ex-partner grew in this time! How many different people we have been during 15 years together. This is amazing and at the same time sad, that the procedure of divorcing is degrading this crazy life-experience with this kind of communication and expectation. And with that, it IS bringing separation into my relationship-reality. Because of this communication, this picture of a marriage and „relationship-goals“ has an effect on me and my ex-partner. It is creating a crater between us, because it is transmitting the picture of „we have to be opponents now“, „we failed“ in our common project „marriage“. Violence is separating. If in language or in physicality. I wonder how my current relationship to my ex would be, if the procedure would be more like a funeral-ceremony. Where you stand in front of the court and say what you cherished in this person, in the relationship and how sad you are by yourself, that this common path is over. How would divorces be like, if we would speak/write as well as listen from the heart? Not less clear, but simply more compassionate and appreciative the both paths of each of the involved partners. A procedure, where we could grief together and be in awe about, what this person/this relationship brought in our lives … and after that: what delicate new plants could grow on the soil of this grave of this box we call „marriage“. Because I would still have a lot of things to share with my ex-partner. 

I don’t say it will be an easy path to try to let go of these boxes we established, as they might also bring a certain (illusionary?) security. But maybe it´s worth a try to focus more on the qualities and a compassionate communication we can share, rather than on expectations we can anyways not fulfill without loosing ourselves. How rich could our lives be, if we could take all the beauty from all encounters we had so far, without the need to cut something because „this is how it is obviously supposed to be“?