Blackmailing meets Selflove

Sometimes it needs certain occations, impulses or even threatening situations to realize how far we are already in our personal evolvement …

I have the tendency to focus on things I have not accomplished, yet. Like a lot of other people, for sure. So usually, I am very quickly in my self-judgement what I was not able to do, to reach, to accomplish so far. One week before I received a Spam-Mail I could not ignore. Usually I can identify Spam very quickly. But this one was good made and I had a small moment of doubt and anxiety: One individual wrote me a quite polite mail (at least the first few sentences) that turned quickly into a thread. He/she/they claimed to have hacked my devices like computer and smartphone and knows what »dirty« pages I am frequently visiting. As well as, he/she/they recorded me while giving me pleasure to these videos. So the thread was to send all this material to my family, friends and clients if I do not pay 900 Dollar to a certain account. So far so »good«:

My first reaction was: »Oh shit… what can I do now about this?«. But it didn’t take long until the second thought came up: »Well… and if. What should happen, if all of these people know things of me, that are actually just human?«.

If I would have received this Mail six months before, I would have been irritated, but safe. Because I simply didn’t watch »dirty« videos. But: A few months before I started to experiment with watching clips on the web, because I felt for a long time already a certain limitation with this topic. I hesitated to even type in certain words into the browser-search. I was exactly afraid of this: To be exposed in watching »stuff like that«. To be judged, seen as an undecent woman. What would people think of me when they learn about this? What would they think if they learn, that my body is maybe attracted to practices that are actually not matching the values of my conscious mind? Hello shame… here we go again!

And exactly this is it what I want to work on: To let go of this deep body-shame I still carry with me. I want to reclaim my innocence in exploring what my body responds to; not what my brain »wants« that my body is attracted to out of a social etiquette. Why should we be ashamed if our bodies are reacting to certain visual key stimuli? Some things are just interesting to watch because you don’t need to have them necessarily in your real life. Why can we not be innocently curios about this as long as nobody gets hurt and everything is happening with the consent of everybody? So, for a long time I repressed this part of me, of my animal body. I didn’t give it space. What means in fact, that I denied a part of my holistic being. And in this: I made myself vulnerable. In being blackmail-able.

To reclaim my power, I decided to change my perspective towards this email. After the first reaction I was relaxed again and smiled: Well, go ahead. Show it to everybody. I will for sure give you no money for being myself. A human being. With something most of us have: a sexual desire and very individual expression. I have an animal body, that has as well the right to be satisfied. So I decided, that this violent shaming-offense is not working with me. And it is nothing else but pure violence: We are all social animals. We need to be a part of a group, community, in certain types of relationships. We need a pack to survive–if it is economically with our clients or emotionally with our private relationships. What these people are trying to do, is to threat us in taking the security to be accepted in our social groups. They threat us with abandonment, one of our primal fears.

This small experience showed me how far I already got on my path, in my confidence with myself, my self love and my acceptance of my whole being. For sure, it is still a long way to fully accept myself, maybe it will never happen to 100%. But hell yes: I am on a good path. For this I can thank this criminal being – and with a smile on my face continue my way to release all these things and fears that are limiting me.